Saturday, September 26, 2015

How would you like your meat cooked? RARE.

If you are wondering about the title of this post.. I chose that because this is entry is going to be very RAW. I don't want to be superficial, I want to be genuine. So lets see how this goes.

Actually I should probably start by saying that I didn't get surgery on September 21st! Surprise!! Yep. They postponed it again. I really should start expecting these things to happen now... The reason for pushing it back is because now I am going through radiation treatments. Wahoo (Insert extreme sarcasm here). I am about half way done with radiation, and surgery is now scheduled for late November. But hey, don't expect that to actually happen. 

Okay back to the point of this post.

Ever since I was diagnosed I chose to ignore what I was facing. It just made it easier. I tried not to think too much. By doing those things, I blocked out a lot of emotions. Yeah, I had an occasional bad day... but nothing too bad. I have recently learned how poisonous it can be to hold those kinds of feelings in. Let me fill you in.

For some reason everything has caught up to me lately. I have lost interest in things that used to excite me. I am usually a very social person, but recently being around people has lost it's appeal. I cry a lot when I am alone. I don't mean just tears, but uncontrollable sobbing. Thinking about my future makes me sick. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I am at the point where I have had enough... I get so frustrated that I have to put up with all of this crap. I mean, how much can one person take?! It is so hard to look to the future with a positive attitude, when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and not have to deal with anything. 

Something else that is hard? Ever since starting this blog I have felt the need to be some type of hero. I feel like people view me as this "amazingly positive" person. "Oh Sean, you are such an inspiration" etc. I love that I have inspired people, I truly do. Please don't misunderstand that. BUT in the past I forced myself to fake some things.. because I never wanted to disappoint anyone. I wanted to be that hero! Whoever is reading this, I wanted to be your hero. I learned that you can't last very long on a lie that you tell yourself. WE can all be an inspiration, or whatever, but that doesn't mean we have to be perfect. What kind of bull is that? HA I am thinking about it now and laughing! We have to be realistic with our surroundings and FEEL emotions that are meant to be felt. Imperfections don't make us weak. They make us REAL. OH MY GOSH. I wish I knew this months and months ago. I just want to scream this all at the top of my lungs!!!! Just be yourself. Make the best with what you have. Don't block out important feelings. Understand that you aren't perfect, and that is something quite beautiful if you think about it. (I will think out loud about that... How amazing is the love we have for spouses, friends, family, etc? They are all imperfect, yet for some reason that makes us love and support them even more... It is flipping beautiful!! Think about it)

I am really loving this rant right now. Stay with me, it isn't over yet.

I am just going to throw this out there. I started seeing a therapist. Boy oh boy, I needed to. There are so many awful things that come with cancer. I got pretty addicted to my pain killers. (Side note, I had a terrible run in with constipation... I am no longer addicted to them! Yes it was that bad). Anyway, after that horrible experience I basically swore off those pills. Guess what? Withdrawals suck. I can't even describe it. MORAL of the story... that, along with other depressing feelings, led me to see a therapist. By the way, there is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. Please get rid of that stigma. You don't have to be psychotic to seek that kind of help. I tell you all of this because I want you to realize the kind of effect that this experience with cancer has had on me. There was a time that I almost tried to convince myself how grateful I was to get cancer... Say what?! I was trying to be the golden boy.. look how amazing he is! He even loves the thing that is killing him! What a great guy. WRONG. I disgust myself sometimes. I hate cancer. I hate what it has done to my life. I hate how much it has changed me, physically AND emotionally AND mentally. Wow it sucks. Gotta be honest, and it feels good. Seriously, just be honest with yourself and everyone around you.

I walked into my appointment with my therapist and I was looking for answers! I wanted to be cured. I got advice, but it wasn't exactly what I was looking for.. He told me about how fighting depression is like swimming upstream (sounds daunting already, huh?). You have to do things that you don't want to do in order to overcome the feelings of depression. Well gee, thanks doc. That is literally the opposite of what I wanted to hear! Well, he is right. He was saying that if depression was a living thing it would eat/live on negative thoughts, dark rooms, lonely days, etc. I thought that was so interesting! Lately I have felt like compromising my standards, doing stupid things, etc... I could sense myself at a fork in the road of life. I could choose what path to take, and it was almost liberating. As tempting as some things sounded.. I realized that I just want to be true to myself. Yeah it sucks. Yeah sometimes I don't want to do the "right things", but I just have to do them. That is my golden advice for the week... do the things you know you should, even when you don't want to. 

I struggle. You struggle. Hey! We all struggle. Lets try a little harder to be more realistic with ourselves, and those we love. It sure does go a long way.