Friday, May 22, 2015

Hard Times Come Again No More

Well I met with the doctor yesterday. I walked into his office hoping to be done with chemo, so that I could get surgery already. Again... it didn't work out how I wanted it to. I was told that the tumor was shrinking, but I would have to do four more rounds of chemo. My heart dropped. I guess I had a feeling it was coming, but I didn't want to believe it. 

I'm not gonna lie, this whole experience is hard. It is overwhelming in a lot of different ways. Aside from all of the physical problems, there are plenty of emotional problems as well. I have never been the kind of person to sit around for very long... and that is all I do these days. It is hard to see all of the wedding announcements, graduation pictures, people getting jobs, etc. Everyone seems to be moving on with their life... and here I am... trying to decide which movies to watch for the day. OH just a side note, I watched "The Fault In Our Stars". Wow what a terrible idea! I mean it was a great movie, just horrifically sad. I imagine anyone would find it sad, but given the "cancer" circumstances I am under.. I was an emotional mess. Anyway! That is just one of the struggles I am facing. I want to be doing something with my life.. and now everything just got postponed another 12-18 weeks. Ugh. 

I have an amazing family, and incredible friends. But sometimes it is difficult because I feel like nobody REALLY knows how I feel. In my world of constant support, oddly I feel alone. I think that comes with the territory, but it doesn't make it any less painful.  

Well this post feels depressing. That is just how I feel this week though. Even on a week like this I am reminded of a lesson I learned when I was learning how to drive. It was my first time driving on State Street and I was scared out of my mind. I had never turned on a "double left" before, and there I was. Waiting to turn. Worst part? I was at the front of the line! Great. Everyone expected me to know what I was doing. I realized that I had two options at that point.. drive forward and see what happens, or get out of the car and run. Either press on, or give up. I have come to that same fork in the road (no pun intended) many times in my life. Here I am again. On the days when I can't chew because of mouth sores, can't breathe because I walked up the stairs, cry for no reason, or just plain want to give up... I don't. Maybe that is because I don't really know what it would mean to give up.. but either way, I just keep moving forward. Yeah it sucks, but hey life sucks sometimes. Even when it seems unbearable, just keep pushing forward. Amidst the clouds, the sun will shine again.

(Photo taken on an adventure with one of my best friends, Christ Sheets)

We all have trials but it is my belief that we "can-cer vive" anything that life tries to throw at us. Just remember that life is whatever we make it. I choose to make it good, cancer and all.

P.S. I am really missing my AZ girl squad right about now.


  1. i believe in you! I want you to know you're in my prayers every day. You can beat this! You can do it!!

  2. i believe in you! I want you to know you're in my prayers every day. You can beat this! You can do it!!

  3. You don't know me, Sean, and I don't know you but your fight against the cancer and the junk that comes with it is inspiring. That doesn't take away the sores, the boredom, the frustration or any of it but I hope it gives you purpose. Your suffering is not without purpose. Our family is praying and fasting for you. SeanStrong...NYNYSouth

  4. You have inspired and strengthened a very large number of us!

  5. You have inspired and strengthened a very large number of us!

  6. I know this is late but I just read this post and I KNOW EXACTLY how you feel/felt. I found out I have brain cancer 6 weeks after I arrived home from my mission. I have the biggest support group ever and yet it feels like im alone. EVERYONE has moved on and my life is on pause. It's completely frustrating but like you said you move on. Everyone has struggles that we don't know about or understand and remembering that helps me feel less alone. You're awesome and I love your blog! Keep smiling!