Keep Calm and Fight On

Sometimes in life you find yourself not knowing what exactly to say... for me, it happens almost on a daily basis. I mean what exactly am I supposed to say when everyone and their dog (seriously a dog asked me this the other day) asks "How are you doing??". Haha oh boy, talk about a loaded question. I always take a minute to step back and evaluate where this person is coming from. Do they really want to know? Or are they just trying to be nice? For the most part I just mutter out a simple "I am hanging in there!", because that is the easiest way to answer the question. Occasionally I will actually tell people how things are going, but that usually freaks them out and then THEY are the ones who don't know what to say. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate people caring enough to ask how I am doing... But I care enough about them to not go into details about how things are really going.

Having cancer has yielded a number of awkward experiences for me. Most of the time I don't mind it, and find it entertaining, but recently even I felt a little uncomfortable. Someone I hadn't seen in a while came up to me at an event I was at, and they started rubbing my head. Which by the way, really doesn't bother me. I think most people look at my head thinking to themselves "I really want to put my hands all over that". Not saying I totally understand WHY, just saying it seems to happen a lot. Anyway. This person starts to rub my head and asks me, "Why did you do this?!" and, "It is a good look for you". Uhhh talk about awkward. I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend and we both just looked at each other. I responded with, "I dunno.. it kind of just happened". Hahaha! Whew good times. 

I don't understand a lot of things, and let me tell you one of the many things that falls into that category. Since I have been diagnosed with cancer I have had a lot of people tell me things like "If anyone can beat this, you can" and "Keep fighting!". Those things sound nice in theory, but what the heck do they actually mean? I thought to myself.. How do I "fight" this? I was clueless. It's not like I could put on boxing gloves and get in the ring with my tumor (although I am sure that would be a sight to see). No, it must mean something else. Then I got to thinking, what about those that have died from cancer? Did they "lose" their fight? Absolutely not. If this thing kills me, I will not be a known as a loser. SO that being said... what does it mean?! You beat cancer by the way you live your life. You have to refuse to let it define you. I may be down and out for a while, but I still live life to the fullest. In between treatments I have found myself wake boarding, tubing, flying to California, driving to Arizona, paddle boarding, working out, swimming, kayaking, running a mile (well close to a mile.. I almost made it without throwing up everywhere), etc. I may be exhausted, and miserable at times, but I won't let this stupid cancer win.

The hard times in our life do not define us. Just remember to take them head on. Continue to live your life the best you can. Fight through those times, even if it requires blood sweat and tears. Trust me, I know how hard it can be.. but those painful experiences have been some of the most fulfilling times of my whole life. You can take comfort in looking at the people around you, because we are all FIGHTING our own battles. 

We all have trials but it is my belief that we "can-cer vive" anything that life tries to throw at us. Just remember that life is whatever we make it. I choose to make it good, cancer and all. 

Happiness is like a Butterfly...

Well I just had the most incredible week of my life! It all started with a trip to California. The Young family is like a second family to me, and I owe them a huge thank you for helping me have such a good vacation. I stayed with one of my best friends Austin while I was out there. It was Spencer, Austin, and I living the dream! Every day we would hit the beach, the pool, and pedro's tacos (or so it felt like). 

Then another mini-vacation happened. This was pretty spontaneous. My plane landed on Thursday at 9:30 pm, I was picked up and went home for a few minutes. I grabbed a few things that I needed (luckily I was already packed) and jumped in the car with Chris to drive through the night down to Arizona. Yup. 10 hours later, at 7:00am, we were in AZ! Can I just say that some of the nicest people live down there? I don't know WHY they live there, it would get too hot for my taste, but they do. The Davis', Baker's, Mitchell's, etc. Not to mention the unbelievable AZ girl squad. Meeting all of these incredible people really taught me a great lesson.. but I will get to that later. Anyway. AZ was a party! We stayed with the one and only Rachel Davis. She took great care of us. We went to the lake (not boating), ate tons of great food, played nertz, went swimming, etc. Couldn't have asked for a better weekend. Here is a picture of Rachel and I, and then one of the crew:

Believe it or not I did learn a few things amidst all of the fun and partying. I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately. What is it exactly? How do you get it? I came across a great quote, it is almost as great as it is cheesy:

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder" 

I know, I know... its cheesy. But think about it. How true is that? So I started thinking about how to turn my attention away from happiness... and it hit me. Focus on the people around you in your life. This past week I was incredibly happy!! For instance, there were some things that happened in Arizona that could have made me unhappy.. but I just wasn't. I was happy because I was living in the moment with the people around me. I totally believe that if you want to be happier, you need to take some time to enjoy the people in your life. Kick back and enjoy the scenery. Whatever that means for you!

It doesn't have to be a huge trip though! For example... I spent two hours watching youtube videos with my dad last night. That is all it takes! Anyway. People are awesome, and I am grateful to have spent the week learning more about what it takes to be truly happy.

OH! One last thing. I received a book as a gift called "Every Day I Fight" - Stuart Scott. So far this is one of my favorite quotes from the book: "The contradiction is as top of mind as the cancer itself" Cancer can kill you, but it can also make you the man you always wanted to be". 

We all have trials but it is my belief that we "can-cer vive" anything that life tries to throw at us. Just remember that life is whatever we make it. I choose to make it good, cancer and all.

Hard Times Come Again No More

Well I met with the doctor yesterday. I walked into his office hoping to be done with chemo, so that I could get surgery already. Again... it didn't work out how I wanted it to. I was told that the tumor was shrinking, but I would have to do four more rounds of chemo. My heart dropped. I guess I had a feeling it was coming, but I didn't want to believe it. 

I'm not gonna lie, this whole experience is hard. It is overwhelming in a lot of different ways. Aside from all of the physical problems, there are plenty of emotional problems as well. I have never been the kind of person to sit around for very long... and that is all I do these days. It is hard to see all of the wedding announcements, graduation pictures, people getting jobs, etc. Everyone seems to be moving on with their life... and here I am... trying to decide which movies to watch for the day. OH just a side note, I watched "The Fault In Our Stars". Wow what a terrible idea! I mean it was a great movie, just horrifically sad. I imagine anyone would find it sad, but given the "cancer" circumstances I am under.. I was an emotional mess. Anyway! That is just one of the struggles I am facing. I want to be doing something with my life.. and now everything just got postponed another 12-18 weeks. Ugh. 

I have an amazing family, and incredible friends. But sometimes it is difficult because I feel like nobody REALLY knows how I feel. In my world of constant support, oddly I feel alone. I think that comes with the territory, but it doesn't make it any less painful.  

Well this post feels depressing. That is just how I feel this week though. Even on a week like this I am reminded of a lesson I learned when I was learning how to drive. It was my first time driving on State Street and I was scared out of my mind. I had never turned on a "double left" before, and there I was. Waiting to turn. Worst part? I was at the front of the line! Great. Everyone expected me to know what I was doing. I realized that I had two options at that point.. drive forward and see what happens, or get out of the car and run. Either press on, or give up. I have come to that same fork in the road (no pun intended) many times in my life. Here I am again. On the days when I can't chew because of mouth sores, can't breathe because I walked up the stairs, cry for no reason, or just plain want to give up... I don't. Maybe that is because I don't really know what it would mean to give up.. but either way, I just keep moving forward. Yeah it sucks, but hey life sucks sometimes. Even when it seems unbearable, just keep pushing forward. Amidst the clouds, the sun will shine again.

(Photo taken on an adventure with one of my best friends, Christ Sheets)

We all have trials but it is my belief that we "can-cer vive" anything that life tries to throw at us. Just remember that life is whatever we make it. I choose to make it good, cancer and all.

P.S. I am really missing my AZ girl squad right about now.

Did You Lose a Bet?

Lets start out with a funny experience  from the past week. As many of you know, my father decided to shave his head to support me! I was totally surprised when I saw him. My dad came downstairs to show me his bald head while I was playing cards with my friends. Right after the shock of it all wore off, I looked at my mom and said, "Don't even think about it". Two bald heads are enough for the Lee household. 

Anyway about that funny experience. So my dad goes to work with a shaved noggin, and of course people notice something different. A co-worker approaches him with a smile and says, "Did you lose a bet or something?!". My dad just looks at him for a second and responds with, "No.. actually my son has cancer...". Hahahahaha. I thought that was so funny for some reason. Not that we get offended by stuff like that, but it is funny to see people in awkward situations. 

The second round of chemo is done. Hallelujah. If we are being honest, I really do not want to go back. I don't know how some people go in for treatments for a year. The nausea is just horrible. They told me it is a lot like morning sickness for pregnant women and now I will totally have sympathy for my wife. Sheesh. If she wants french fries at 2am? I am there. It is so annoying how much my appetite changes. I can't even describe it.

The next step in this crazy journey is getting a cat scan!! They will check on the size of the tumor and see if it is small enough to perform surgery. If it is shrinking, but not small enough yet then I will be doing more rounds of chemo... BOOOO. Hopefully it has shrunk enough to just get surgery. That is what I am planning on. 

Well I am trying to learn another life lesson. I know... so many lessons to learn. President Calderwood (my former Mission President) called me before my first round of chemo. He actually had cancer in his twenties also, just a side note. We were talking and I asked for some advice from him. I did not hear what I wanted to... He told me that I need to learn how to have sympathy for the people around me during chemo. I might feel like I am suffering way more than those around me, but he encouraged me to reach out and care for them anyways. Psh I did not want to hear or do that. Sometimes you just want to have a pity party, okay?! But of course.. he was right. There is something magical about serving the people around you even when you are suffering. I am not perfect at this by any means, but it is the right idea. Something to put into practice. Jesus Christ was actually really good at this, imagine that?! In Matthew 4:11 it talks about how He received comfort after being tempted by the devil, and fasting for forty days/nights. Well a modern day translation of that scripture from a living prophet teaches us that Jesus actually sent those angels to comfort John the Baptist while he was in prison! Jesus just went through A LOT. He was drained physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Yet he took the opportunity to comfort someone that he loved, in stead of Himself. What a great example.

We all have trials but it is my belief that we "can-cer vive" anything that life tries to throw at us. Just remember that life is whatever we make it. I choose to make it good, cancer and all.  

Your Personal Garden

Can I just say that I have had an incredible week? I have felt really really good. I spent the week with awesome people. I just feel so good right now. Sometimes I forget the fact that they dumped a ton of poison in my body two weeks ago. Then I look in a mirror and I remember. Haha! Oh yeah! I lost my hair. Totally bald. Remember how I was thinking I might not lose my hair at all? Totally wrong about that. I am still waiting to lose my eyebrows.. and when that happens I give everyone permission to stop being my friend. Haaa... really though. Nobody needs to see that.

So there are some really great people out there. Sometimes the news, or the world in general, focuses too much on the horrible people out there. Well news flash to them... there are some amazing people out there. Example A? Courtney Baker. With the help of her sister and brother-in-law in Arizona, they made some stylin' shirts. You thought the bracelets were cool? (Well they still are.. but the shirts rock too). If you are interested in ordering a T-Shirt here is the link:

http://seanstrong.bigcartel.com/

Anyway! I just had to give a shout-out to Courtney and her family. They are TOO good. 

The day has finally come... tomorrow I go back into the hospital for another round of chemo. Bleh. I have been DREADING this day for more than one reason. The main reason is obvious.. because it sucks. I did learn a cool lesson yesterday while I was at church though! I don't mean to be irreverent when I say this, but I started to understand a little bit of how Jesus Christ felt when he walked into the Garden of Gethsemane. I feel like He was dreading that event. Probably quite a bit. Obviously the suffering that happens in my personal Garden of Gethsemane doesn't even come close to what He went through, but I do feel closer to Him because of this experience. But that is my point exactly. We all have our own personal "garden experiences". At some point or another, we will have to walk through something that can help us understand what our Savior went through. I don't know if you will have one, or twenty, "garden experiences" in your life... but just remember that we are given these experiences to gain a a better understanding of what happened in the real garden. Oh!! Another cool thing. Sometimes we put our trials up against each other.. like someone is having a harder time than another? Well we can compare cancer to a bad habit and think one is worse than another, but guess what happens when we compare it to the Atonement? None of us even come close. We are all on the same level of suffering when it is compared to what Jesus went through. That being said, try not to bring pride into it! Who cares who is "suffering" more? We are all suffering. Focus your energy on helping each other, not comparing. 

Man you can learn a lot when you listen to the Spirit! Those are just a few thoughts that I have been having lately. Life is good. Great actually! I can't say thank you enough for all of those prayers being offered on my behalf. You will never know how much of a difference they make!

We all have trials but it is my belief that we "can-cer vive" anything that life tries to throw at us. Just remember that life is whatever we make it. I choose to make it good, cancer and all.

The Man Behind the Mask

First things first. I have mixed feelings right now! I will explain it to you. I have been overwhelmed by how many people actually like my blog. Like.. who would have thought? Certainly not all of the English teachers throughout the years. Surprisingly, everyone says they love it. Which is awesome... but also kind of horrible. Only because now I am under a lot of pressure. When I started writing this thing, I really didn't expect THAT many people to read it. To be honest I became a blogger for selfish reasons. I was sick and tired of giving everyone the update after a doctors appointment via text message/phone call. Thus the blog was born. It started out care-free, and now its full of pressure. Thanks to you.

No I really do appreciate the support, but if you are feeling like a critic from here on out.. take it easy on me??

Want to know something awkward? I was on Facebook the other day and I noticed a post from someone (which was the second of its kind). People have actually shaved their heads for me already!! Man I was taken aback by that. I really did feel supported... but then it hit me: What if I don't end up losing my hair?! Some people don't... and that would just be really awkward. I am kind of crossing my fingers to lose the hair now! Except, lets all send some good vibes my way to make sure I don't lose my eyebrows? That just might be a little too much for all of us to look at.

There was one great benefit to post-chemo treatment that you probably weren't aware of! I realized it when Tuesday rolled around, and I didn't feel like shooting myself in the face for the first time. I looked in the mirror and saw how much of a wreck I was. I hadn't washed my hair in days, or shaved in a week (not that there was much facial hair to show for it). But then it dawned on me... WHO CARES? So I did absolutely nothing about it, and guess what? Nobody said a dang thing. HA! #cancerperks

On to the medical update. Monday I went into the hospital for hydration and a blood test. My white blood cell count was at 11. A little high, but nothing to worry about. I went in again on Wednesday for the same thing, and we found out that my white blood cell count dropped to .8. Yay, for no immune system. I am at a very high risk for infection now and I have to be very careful. I can't be around anyone that is remotely sick, or any children. This new development also requires me to wear a lovely mask a lot of the time. I hope you can sense the sarcasm of the lovely part. Because I hate the mask. At least you can't tell if I am frowning or smiling? 

Overall I feel great! Physically I would say I am close to 100%. Maybe a little nausea here and there, but it could be a lot worse. I had to learn a hard lesson this week. It had to do with timing. You see, my plans? and my timing? They never seem to be the same as God's. Which is good, because it always ends up the way it should.. but isn't it so frustrating in the moment? Goodness sometimes I hate it. I was really struggling on Monday. I wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to feel normal again. I never wanted to go back for another treatment. I was pretty miserable for the rest of the day, even though I wanted it to go away immediately. Tuesday was a little better, and it only got better from then on out. But why not Monday? Why couldn't it go away in that horrific moment? Why is it that we aren't delivered when times are toughest? To tell you the truth.... I don't know. I do know one thing though, and that is.. you just have to trust God (Just a side note, if someone had given me this speech on Monday I would have been really ticked off and probably wouldn't have listened... so if you are in that phase right now, just keep this thought in the back of your head). Of course that is easier said than done, but if you can manage to do it... you will always end up with exactly what you need.

We all have trials but it is my belief that we "can-cer vive" anything that life tries to throw at us. Just remember that life is whatever we make it. I choose to make it good, cancer and all.

The First Test

Well I bet you want to know all about my first week of chemotherapy.. But guess what? You are asking the wrong person for the details. I am basically just as lost as you are! The past 4-5 days have been quite the blur.. I will do my best to recount the experience.

First of all, I am still on drugs. So I apologize if you can't understand the majority of this blog entry. 

Anyway! I had surgery on Monday!! It was actually a "port-a-cath" that was put in, not a picc line. I was a little impatient waiting for the surgery because I had a date that night, that I didn't want to miss. It all worked out just fine, luckily. Phew! I just happened to underestimate the intense amount of pain that I would be in during the date with Courtney. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you should get some rest following surgery... or maybe it does? Oh well, I didn't put two and two together on that one. I was really glad I went on the date though. It was a great "last hoo-rah" before my mysterious battle with chemo began. 

Tuesday rolled around! It was similar to Christmas morning, but kind of the opposite. Lots of excitement and nerves... just for the wrong reasons. Hopefully that doesn't ruin Christmas for anyone!  We grabbed everything we thought we would need, and off we went to the hospital! We checked in, I changed into my fancy little gown, and I layed in bed at 9am. Things didn't really get rolling for a while. They had to analyze my urine. You know how hard it is to pee on demand? Well its even harder to do it two times in a row. They messed up with my first sample, and came back ten minutes later needing another sample.. I mean come on, give a guy a break?! 

Eventually a nurse came in to draw some of my precious blood. She made the mistake of trying to draw it from my arm... OH NO! That was not gonna happen. Why in the world did I get this port surgically placed, if they weren't even gonna use it?! I made sure to point that out to her. I thought I had won that battle, until a man came in with a different kind of needle to "access" my port. You just can't ever win when it comes to nurses and needles.

Later that night the chemo drugs were finally prepped. A few friends were about to see something for a first (and hopefully a last) time. A friend getting chemotherapy before their eyes!! I was intrigued by the whole situation, because it was all new to me. I was quickly brought down to the reality of things as the nurse approached me in a hazmat suit (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration). Wait a minute... shouldn't I have been wearing one of those protective suits..? One last thing that I remember. The jolly old nurse Gene, told me that I needed to flush my urine twice because it was considered "toxic waste". As I drifted to sleep that night, I remember thinking I may wake up as some sort of superhero (due to the radioactive waste talk)... But alas the mask wearing days haven't come (yet).

Well pretty much every other day in the hospital is a giant blur! I don't remember a whole lot of anything else. A few faces here, and a few jokes there. But for the most part I spent my time in the hospital staring at the back of my eyelids. I do appreciate everyone that came to see me (even if I was unconscious at the time). The thoughts, prayers, and visits have made a world of difference.

Coming home wasn't all that I had expected. I can't remember a whole lot of my time since I have been home, but I know I have been surrounded by great people. Most of the time I can be found sleeping around the house. That is my favorite way to pass time lately. It also helps with the "skin crawling" syndrome I seem to have developed. I can't sit still for very long. Its hard to focus on one thing. It is like being hungry, but nothing sounding good. I just can't make up my mind... and when I do, it isn't up to par. Oh well. That is just something I will have to deal with I guess.

Today was a good day though. As a backstory, I served in the NYNYS Mission under President and Sister Calderwood. The whole mission was fasting for my family and I today. This really touched my heart. I have had countless others tell me that they were fasting for us at different times, and I really can't even begin to say thank you enough. We ended this Sunday with a little Sacrament meeting in my living room (courtesy of my bishop). Spiritual thoughts were shared, and happiness was felt. It was a good ending to a tumultuous beginning.

One thought stands out to me as I close this weeks blog entry. I hope that none of us will ever ask the question "Why do bad things happen to good people?". I have thought long and hard about this question. It helps to remember that the greatest person to ever live, Jesus Christ, had the worst possible thing happen to Him. I believe that Jesus kept His scars, on His otherwise perfected body, as proof that just because bad things happen to good people, it doesn't mean that God doesn't love them. In fact I would imagine Christ grew closer to His Father in those fatal moments of His life, than any other. When we face those dark moments in our life, we can decide which way we turn to. The choice is really all in our power.

We all have trials but it is my belief that we "can-cer vive" anything that life tries to throw at us. Just remember that life is whatever we make it. I choose to make it good, cancer and all.